how am i supposed to get a boyfriend i cant even get anons
Some background: The Mount was not my first choice. But it was God’s, so that’s where I ended up. More than anything, I wanted to go to Franciscan University of Steubenville, but it was not God’s plan for me.
When I arrived at school, I met my roommates (M and E). They were so incredible and faith filled and just… wonderful. They were amazing friends, and pushed me to be the best version of me. But, our living styles clashed. My two roommates have the skill of being really, really clean. I, however, do not. So, that lead to a lot of anxiety and conflict in our room, and it was hard for me to deal with. I felt like the worst roommate ever, and so, so guilty. It really effected my mood and our relationships. Spring semester, I watched as my two roommates grew so, so, so close to each other, and it killed me. Don’t get me wrong, I love their relationship. They are so close to each other, but more than anything, I wanted to be included in that relationship, and it made me really, really sad that I wasn’t.
When I arrived at school, four of us naturally formed a group. It was one of my roommates (M), and two other girls (F and R), who were really fantastic. I was so thankful to have such a close knit group of friends. At the end of first semester, my other roommate (E) began to hang out with us, which really thrilled me, because I invited her to spend time with us a whole lot.
At the beginning of second semester, one of my friends (F) asked if she could talk to me alone. I knew what was coming. I had been asking about rooming for the past few weeks, and they had been telling me it was too early. I had a feeling that that wasn’t really the case. Turns out I was right. Tearfully, F told me that she, R and E had decided to get a triple next year. I was completely devastated. I cried for a good hour or so that night, and stayed in bed the whole next day. I tried to give the brave face, say “Oh, it’s fine. I don’t care.” but I couldn’t. I really hurt. In all honesty, whenever I think about it, I still feel so sad. At that time, I was scared that the three of them would become super close, and forget about me. I’m still scared about that. Every once in a while, one of them will say how the three of them are rooming together, and I have to look away as to hide how sad it makes me feel. I feel like it’s harder to relate to them, and it’s really hard.
That was the beginning of the hardest five months of my life. My depression was AWFUL, and I felt like I couldn’t trust anybody or talk to anyone. I spent most of my time holed up in my dorm, laying in bed or watching Netflix. I felt like my four best friends were growing so close to each other, and I was just watching it happen. It was really, really tough.
Because I felt this awful, my grades were just as awful. I had to withdraw from a class because I failed two of my three exams and had no idea how to improve. I almost failed Spanish, even though I knew a lot of the stuff and had done wonderfully first semester. I recently got my grades back, and it wasn’t pretty. However, I’m just happy I made it through and passed everything.
There were countless nights when I spent my time on the computer, looking at colleges and their transfer applications. Even though I had made amazing friends and memories at my school, the bad times were so bad and frequent that it seemed like everything was going wrong.
This past year was probably the most difficult year I’ve ever had. It was so challenging, academically, emotionally, mentally, and socially. But it also made me realize how strong I am. I did it. I made it through. I also realized how NOT alone I am. There are people at home, at school and online who have been an incredible shoulder to cry on when I feel like I’m a useless waste of space. I’ve had friends texting and calling me to make sure I’m okay, and a sister who stayed up all night, just listening as I sobbed. My mom even drove 300 miles to see me.
I’m so thankful for this year and all the lessons I learned. I learned that the true friends don’t care if you’re depressed, and they’re not going to think you’re screwed up. I learned that you don’t have to be best friends with everyone, and it’s okay to be angry at people. Friendships are going to end, and that’s okay. It’s all a part of His divine plan.
So… yeah. That was my freshman year. In some ways, it sucked, but in other ways, it was the best freshman year I could ask for. I found some of the best friends I could ever asked for and learned that sometimes, people aren’t going to be there for you. But God always will point you to someone who is willing to be a friend.
Here’s to having a Sophomore year that teaches me just as much!
I didn’t choose the fandom life,
the fandom life grabbed and chloroformed me on the way from school and dragged my unconscious body to it’s basement.
people dont get it
really simple tasks can become huge impossibilities for me
some days i have trouble getting dressed and leaving my room
i am not a functioning person
depression isn’t always crying on the floor - tho that happens sometimes
sometimes its just not being able to do anything at all
wish i was witty and cute but instead im sarcastic and annoying
no no no
the circle of life
I hate myself but I still think I’m better than everybody else
I hate people but I’d love to be in a relationship
I love food but I don’t want to get fat
I want money but dont want a job
look it’s my entire life in a post
i want to be fit but i’m too lazy to work out
thinking about my future makes me want to throw up
When you wanna text someone but you don’t wanna feel like you’re bother them or annoying them is the worst
It either takes me 5 months to read a book or I read five of them in 2 days. There is no inbetween.
whenever anyone draws anything for me i just